2006-02-21 - 4:53 p.m.

I don't get it! How could it be this fast? Is it just one thing to realize and then your life has changed? Cause that is what has happened.
I realized why Matt and I couldn't work. He realized it too, maybe a little sooner than I, but we're on the same page now. I talked to him for a half hour, he was kind of depressed and feeling lost, and I didn't care the way I used to. I still care, obviously, but it's a different kind of care. And this all just happened within the last 2 days.
I want to tell him about boys (more like THE boy) I like, I don't feel awkward about it anymore. I get honestly happy for him when he tells me about a new girl he likes. He was right. He's broken, and I can't fix him. I don't deserve to have to deal with him and his brokeness. Maybe someone else can fix him, maybe he needs to be alone to fix himself, but I won't be the one to do it.
I kind of feel more mature now... and I don't believe him when he said we weren't in love yet. We were. There was too much between us for that not to be. I am not in love with him anymore. It feels so good to say! God, I love life. I'm full of inspiration and hope and joy again. The only thing I'm disappointed in is that it took me this long to realize it... a full 7 months after we broke up. Ah well, I guess that just shows how much love there was between us, if it took me that long to get my head around the reasons... Well, I guess November was the last time we were together, in the physical sense... but yeah it was a looong time to get over him.
And ya know what? I'm not jaded. I'm ready to fall in love again. I could go for it. Someone that is special enough, and I think Val knows who I'm talking about, I wouldn't mind starting over again. I'm ready.
With all the love of bubbles,
Mango

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